Open Letter to my future child

No, I’m not pregnant. But often I find myself thinking so much about the children, or child I will one day have. I can’t help it. Those who are part of my inner circle know more about this, and know the struggle it’s been to find out that medically (having been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome- for more information see earlier post on PCOS) I have much lower chances of conceiving compared to the average woman my age.

So many factors influence this thought process. I could easily  attribute it to my age, my gender, my socialization, and the stage I am at in my life. But rather than focus on why I think about it, this post is about how I think about it.

This morning on my way to work, I was reflecting on what it would be like if I could reach out to that future child of mine. And then I realized I could use the same tools that have been nurturing my soul for the past few weeks… my writing. If I could write a letter to my future child it would go something like this:

Dear little one,

You have no idea how badly I’ve longed for you. Perhaps, having been born a girl, I was always taught to long for you, but regardless of why, all I know is that I’ve always looked forward to the day when I meet you. Honestly, I’ve had great successes in my life, and I’ve also had some disappointments, but I’ve never felt like I couldn’t handle your arrival into my life.

I want you to know that when I finally have you, it will fulfill my deepest desires. No matter how you come to me. Whether you grow inside my body, or I find you through adoption. Of course I will try my hardest to create the most ideal environment for you, but as you might one day learn, the most ideal environment does not always equal a nuclear-family home, where both parents are together in spite of their incompatibilities. Whether your biological father is part of the picture, or whether he’s not, I know I will find good male role models for you. Personally, I am preparing myself right now to become the best female role model for you. I will teach you to respect both women and men. More importantly, I will teach you to respect yourself, and others, just for the simple fact that we’re all worthy of respect.

I will nurture you until you’re strong enough to start making your own critical decisions. I will support those decisions, and try my hardest to let you live out your journey even when I don’t agree with your methods. I will respect your individuality. I will not try to impose my dreams on you, because I’ll know your dreams will be just as beautiful, if not more perfect than mine.

You will be free. I say that because I know what it is like not to feel free. I know what it’s like to bear the burdens of my ancestors, and in having done so, I made the decision to change my life patterns so that you won’t have to suffer, and you can live your life with less baggage from the past. So you can be free to be you.

When I think about it truly, that’s what I want for you; freedom. Freedom of choice, freedom from want, freedom to be.

So even though I’ve tried to get you before, and trust me, I’ve tried very hard.  Every time I try,  the universe looks back at me and kindly says: “Not yet”. I swallow my impatience, and I find comfort in the fact that I’m just getting ready for you, and perhaps in a spiritual way, you’re getting ready for me too.

But one day you’ll be here. And I look forward to that day with the same enthusiasm that you will look forward to your own day when you will get to know your own little one. And though God knows I know I won’t be perfect, I promise you, I will try my best, and that’s all I can do.

Until then,

Lot of love my little one.

xox

September is PCOS awareness month

    To begin, PCOS is short for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It is an endocrine disorder that occurs among a significant percentage of women around the world (5-10% of Women ages 12 to 45) and yet is rarely spoken of. This syndrome is characterized by irregular menstruation, acne, excessive male-pattern hair growth (or hair-loss in some cases), and high cholesterol levels. It is one of the leading causes for sub-fertility among women of reproductive age. Many women go undiagnosed until they face difficulties while trying to conceive.

One reason why this condition is enveloped by so much mystery is that many women who suffer from it might either not know it, or are too enveloped in the stigma and shame of its symptoms to even speak out about it. Undeniably we live in a society where femininity is highly associated with thinness, corporal hairless-ness, a thick mane, and of course a high degree of fertility. It is often a source of shame for women who do not fit into this description, and quite often are too embarrassed to seek medical attention. This may mean that the reported cases of PCOS is underrepresented the number of women with PCOS.

Furthermore, women who do report their symptoms to their doctors are often caught in the mystery that surrounds the disorder, and may not receive the attention they need right away as it may be confused with other problems that create similar symptoms. It is important to note that Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is not the same as Ovarian Cysts, while the former characterizes a situation where ovaries are laden with underdeveloped follicles due to an imbalance of hormones, the latter refers to an actual cyst on the ovaries. In the past, many women who presented symptoms of cystic ovaries, yet had no manifestations of such, were sent home with birth control pills for their troubles and no clear explanation of what they suffered from. Today there is more information on the topic and most women will have the wonderful experience of landing themselves in the office of an empathetic doctor who will aid the woman in navigating this frustrating condition, while unfortunately others will have to work with doctors who may not know enough about PCOS, and may minimize the experience of the patient by not realizing the degree of distress it can cause on a woman. In either case, these doctors are often the gatekeepers to the next level of treatment which can mean endocrinologist and/or fertility specialists. At this point, these women will find themselves at the beginning of a long and torturous journey inside the world of diagnostic tests involving multiple pelvic and intra-vaginal ultrasounds, as well as many blood tests.

It is important to note that not all women who suffer from PCOS are looking to become pregnant, but that reason why these women get the most attention in the world of PCOS is because most of these women who have PCOS do not realize it until they are trying to become pregnant month after month to no avail. This is why the majority of treatments available are for women who are trying to conceive, because other women who complain of hormonal challenges are usually encouraged to take birth control with androgen blockers for their PCOS symptoms. Having said that, birth control pills will only mask the symptoms of PCOS, which will inevitably return if the woman in questions ceases her birth control regimen. This is why most experts recommend PCOS be dealt with at a holistic level by addressing diet and exercise. Most women with PCOS have insulin resistance (similar to people suffering of Type 2 Diabetes—these two are closely related), and should avoid foods with high glycemic indexes (simple sugars such as sugar, white rice, white bread, pasta etc…) because their body has a higher difficulty when metabolizing them. Due to this, dramatic weight fluctuation is actually a prominent symptom of PCOS. Most women will see a reversal of their symptoms when their weight regulates to a healthy level for them (which varies from woman to woman). Needless to say, the symptoms are most pronounced among women who are over-weight and while weight-loss is definitely harder for women with PCOS, it is not impossible. An anonymous “Cyster” (a widely adopted moniker used among online community groups for women living with PCOS) suggests strength training to rev up the metabolism, noting it is just as important as cardio.

“The most important thing,” says the “Cyster,” “is to never lose hope, and to explore treatments which you feel comfortable with.” While most women turn to medication to treat symptoms, there are many women who turn to alternative medicine such as acupuncture and report a high incidence of success. In addition, it is important to take care of one’s mental health when considering all the stress associated with PCOS. There are many online support groups and forums that exist to help women around the world living with PCOS such as soulcysters.com. If you suspect you or someone you love may be suffering from symptoms of PCOS, do not hesitate to visit your family doctor to discuss your symptoms. Happy healing.