No, I’m not pregnant. But often I find myself thinking so much about the children, or child I will one day have. I can’t help it. Those who are part of my inner circle know more about this, and know the struggle it’s been to find out that medically (having been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome- for more information see earlier post on PCOS) I have much lower chances of conceiving compared to the average woman my age.
So many factors influence this thought process. I could easily attribute it to my age, my gender, my socialization, and the stage I am at in my life. But rather than focus on why I think about it, this post is about how I think about it.
This morning on my way to work, I was reflecting on what it would be like if I could reach out to that future child of mine. And then I realized I could use the same tools that have been nurturing my soul for the past few weeks… my writing. If I could write a letter to my future child it would go something like this:
Dear little one,
You have no idea how badly I’ve longed for you. Perhaps, having been born a girl, I was always taught to long for you, but regardless of why, all I know is that I’ve always looked forward to the day when I meet you. Honestly, I’ve had great successes in my life, and I’ve also had some disappointments, but I’ve never felt like I couldn’t handle your arrival into my life.
I want you to know that when I finally have you, it will fulfill my deepest desires. No matter how you come to me. Whether you grow inside my body, or I find you through adoption. Of course I will try my hardest to create the most ideal environment for you, but as you might one day learn, the most ideal environment does not always equal a nuclear-family home, where both parents are together in spite of their incompatibilities. Whether your biological father is part of the picture, or whether he’s not, I know I will find good male role models for you. Personally, I am preparing myself right now to become the best female role model for you. I will teach you to respect both women and men. More importantly, I will teach you to respect yourself, and others, just for the simple fact that we’re all worthy of respect.
I will nurture you until you’re strong enough to start making your own critical decisions. I will support those decisions, and try my hardest to let you live out your journey even when I don’t agree with your methods. I will respect your individuality. I will not try to impose my dreams on you, because I’ll know your dreams will be just as beautiful, if not more perfect than mine.
You will be free. I say that because I know what it is like not to feel free. I know what it’s like to bear the burdens of my ancestors, and in having done so, I made the decision to change my life patterns so that you won’t have to suffer, and you can live your life with less baggage from the past. So you can be free to be you.
When I think about it truly, that’s what I want for you; freedom. Freedom of choice, freedom from want, freedom to be.
So even though I’ve tried to get you before, and trust me, I’ve tried very hard. Every time I try, the universe looks back at me and kindly says: “Not yet”. I swallow my impatience, and I find comfort in the fact that I’m just getting ready for you, and perhaps in a spiritual way, you’re getting ready for me too.
But one day you’ll be here. And I look forward to that day with the same enthusiasm that you will look forward to your own day when you will get to know your own little one. And though God knows I know I won’t be perfect, I promise you, I will try my best, and that’s all I can do.
Until then,
Lot of love my little one.
xox
A. Citlalli 