My moods have not been stable by any means. But I’m accepting of that. Sometimes I’m up, sometimes I’m down, sometimes within a span of a few hours. If I were to seek medical help without providing any context, I might be easily diagnosed with Bi-Polar Mood Disorder, in context however, it’s very easy to see that I’m having a pretty normal reaction to an abnormal situation. Two weeks ago, what I thought was the centre of my world, was completely shattered. My partner of almost three years and I ended our relationship. That person who I considered my rock, when facing each day and each challenge was suddenly not there anymore. Naturally I lost my footing, and entered a very normal period of transitional crisis.
At the same time though, I can’t say I was completely ambushed. The painful truth is that we both came from a very precarious place when we found each other. From the very beginning, there were significant obstacles in our relationship. My idealization of the passionate love, my lack of experience, and my love for him caused me to ignore a great deal… or at least attempt to. I imagine it was the same for him, and that maybe he wasn’t being true to himself in order to stay in the relationship. For nearly two years, I think he must have went through what I think was a struggle to meet me where I wanted him to be, vis-à-vis the relationship. I do not doubt that he loved me, but I also do not doubt that finally ending the relationship was the best decision we both ever made. While I have moments of deep anxiety for the future, and deep melancholy for the past, I do not doubt the inevitability of our present situation. Each day since that fateful day we parted ways has taught me new things about myself, and about the world. There are moments that I reflect on how blessed I am to be so well equipped to cope with everything that’s happening, and how vastly I underestimated myself in the past in regards levels of emotional strength. Strangely enough, I know I owe a great deal of my strength today to the experience we lived together. Furthermore, because I am patient with the process, cognizant of the difficulty of it, and embracing of forgiveness, I am able to write through a very balanced perspective. In my current experience, these are a few things that I am constantly using to guide my life and thought processes to help me cope with the grief of losing my relationship, my partner, and my future with him, but most importantly, losing my best friend in life:
- Distance: Allow yourself to create distance between yourself and the other. This will give you perspective on the situation, but also give yourself the time to think things through and not make decisions based on how your feel in the first initial days after the break-up. Also consider distancing yourself from others by making yourself less readily available. You’re in a very vulnerable place, and need to be selective of the people who surround you. Social Media might actually hinder us in this respect by creating more social vulnerabilities. Consider deactivating your Social Media for at least a month.
- Give into the pain: It’s OK to not be OK, everything you’re feeling (the pain, the confusion, the guilt, the anger…) they’re not generally considered ‘good’ feelings by our culture’s standards, but they are necessary feelings that teach us about what’s hurting us. It’s the body’s reaction to a stressful situation, and there’s no way around it, you just have to have faith in your body’s ability to heal. Allow yourself the opportunity to be vulnerable. But as I mentioned in the previous statement, be selective of who you’re vulnerable around. Sometimes sharing pain with compassionate people can be a growing experience on its own, as it allows them the opportunity to support you, and sometimes share their own experiences that may give you a lot of insight on what you’re experiencing. Always keeping in mind, however, that though others may have relatable experiences, you are the only expert in your own pain.
- Accept: Accept your situation, though it’s painful, you can’t change it, you can only control the way you face it. Accept change… in fact, when you’re feeling ready to, take steps to welcome even more change into your life, such as: changing your hair, or hair colour, changing the route you normally take home, meeting new people that share your interests, take small risks in facilitating that change. Accept that the other person is also going through a difficult transition, and that they may say things, or do things that seem unnecessarily hurtful, but that’s part of their journey, and hopefully they will reflect on that. Also accept that they might not, and that’s OK because their thoughts, and how they choose to cope, is not your responsibility.
- Validate: Anxiety is often rooted in our doubt over the normality of our own feelings. Because we are socially conditioned to hide emotional pain, you’d be surprised to know the amount of people walking around, hiding a significant portion of themselves, attempting to be ‘normal’ to satisfy society’s need to ignore pain. There is a lot of healthy literature on what you’re experiencing. Personally, I’ve found literature on the physical reaction the body goes into when experiencing heartache, and also books on how society affects the way we perceive love, and how through a feminist perspective patriarchy has caused damage to the way we engage with one another. This isn’t to minimize the personal responsibility you or other person might have for the break-down of your relationship, but it is definitely worth considering if you’d like to learn more about what you’re going through. Consider doing some research as a healing process too. (Recommendations: “Little Book of Heartbreak” by Megan Laslocky, and “Communion: The Female Search For Love” by bell hooks)
- Indulge: Allow yourself the opportunity to indulge in life’s small pleasures within your reach and means. They’re always saying the best things in life are free, why not actively explore and pursue that thought? Go for walks, go for swims, literally stop and smell flowers. Buy your favourite soap or candle, play with children, draw a picture for the sake of it, play with play dough, build a snowman, sing a song, do the things that remind you of a playful happy place.
- Self-Focus: You do not need to bring the other person down in order to feel better about yourself. In fact, it might even make you feel crappier if you find yourself falling into the vicious downward spiral of talking poorly of the other person. Like in the earlier statement, you have to accept that the other person is human, and capable of making mistakes. Focusing on yourself, and your healing journey is testament that the road to self-forgiveness and forgiveness is a bit like a gift that keeps on giving. Mind you, a gift to yourself. The more you forgive, the stronger and more empowered you will feel, and more in control of your own feelings.
- Sharing: When exploring your situation, it’s OK to be confused. Sometimes it’s necessary to turn to others to validate your own feelings when having moments of anxiety and doubt. Be careful with this. It goes back with the thought of being selective of the people who you choose to be your support system. If you’re confident you can speak with a friend who knows you well, and will non-judgmentally validate your feelings, it can be a really healing experience. Also, while you may not go into the gritty details with casual acquaintances, or co-workers, you might find that shedding light on your context will provide a more compassionate environment where you can allow yourself to be OK one moment, and maybe not that OK the next. The majority of people out there know exactly what it feels to go through what you’re going through.
- Selectiveness: This is a reoccurring theme. Always be selective. Value yourself enough to be selective. You might find that in the past you have not been selective enough with your romantic choices, that’s OK too. I am not suggesting you start seeing new people right away, in fact I think it’s valuable to allow yourself the opportunity to be alone. I’m rather suggesting that you see this as an opportunity to learn to be selective in small ways. Practice being selective. For example, you know when you’re engaging in retail therapy (shopping), and you happen to find a beautiful dress, last of it’s kind, in only one size that fits uncomfortably too small? (We’ve all been there) We usually fret and sometimes toy with the idea of purchasing it anyway, since we plan to drop just a few pounds in a few months anyway. We think, ‘what better motivator to lose weight?!’. I’m telling you right now. NO. Walk away from that dress, and reflect on how you don’t need to change your appearance in order to feel good. Consider that maybe you just need to change the dress, and have faith that you’ll find another that will fit you where you are right now and look good effortlessly. Trust me, no matter your body type, every woman has her charm, you’ll find something that looks good.
- Embracing the power of forgiveness: Another reoccurring theme. Can’t say it enough: Embrace, embrace, embrace. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.
- But also let it go: That Frozen princess has it right… let it go. Don’t even think about it, just let go of judgement, shame, fear, etc. Let go of things in your life that are causing you pain, and allow yourself to heal, and grow into an even more beautiful butterfly.
Happy healing.
This is part two of a two part series on dealing with the loss of a relationship. See part one, titled: “Life after love: Not just a catchy Cher song” by scrolling to the previous post.
A. Citlalli 