To those that know me, honestly… don’t act surprised… Or maybe act surprised, it’s all the same. But don’t be sad for me, this isn’t a “feel sorry for me post”… it’s more like a ..”Laying it all out on the table” kind of post; because that’s the kind of person that I am.
So let me explain the title… I used a play on words of the title of a book by Josh Boone about youth suffering with cancer. To be clear, in no way am I comparing my condition to cancer, never the less I liked the name of the book for many reasons other than the factthat I want to underline the fact that mental health IS (ABSOLUTELY) a REAL medical condition as well. Moreover, “Fault in Our Stars” means to me being born, not with a clean slate, but with a predisposition to many things, among them, my condition. Through no fault of my own… it was written in the stars.
I always thought it was funny that I was born a Gemini.
But first; before I continue…just to catch new readers up, in previous posts, I’ve both opened up about having survived child sexual abuse, and more recently I lightly touched upon my experience with the PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) that followed the public disclosure of my past situation.
I believe that alluded to the fact that there was more to the story, and so if you didn’t know, now you know. I am Bipolar. And no…not in like a “We’re all a little bipolar”… way… or in a … “She changes her mind so much… geeez she must be bipolar.”… No.
Like actually Bipolar, and I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
Being Bipolar can have it’s gifts if managed well (I don’t want to paint a completely somber picture of the condition). But it comes with it’s high costs… very high costs, especially if triggered or if mismanaged.
No one bipolar person is the same (as much as the DSM V will lead you to believe); however some of us or most of us share similar traits (also depending on which type of bipolar you are)… among them, I’ve noticed from speaking with others that have lived experience such as me:
- Biological Predisposition (One parent carried the gene)
- Environmental Trigger (upbringing/mismanaged/unidentified/trauma caused condition to manifest in a seemingly ‘maladjusted’ way)
- High Degree of Co dependence when condition is not under control
- Bipolars (most) have a very strong window of “lucidity” even when suffering a severe episode- at times this may make them seem like they’re functioning OK, and don’t require as much help as they are asking for
- Artistically inclined and Humanitarian (VanGogue, possibly Marilyn Monroe, possibly Frida Khalo Catherine Zeta Jones, Ben Stiller, Lady Diana Spencer)
Again, I want to make it very clear that I write with lived-experience, but not with any kind of expert medical knowledge.
My aim with this post is selfish
I am tired of hiding, I want to be open, I want people to know about me, and adjust… not only that, but understand me when I seem to be going through something.
I want people to care but not to worry.
I want there to be more open discussion regarding mental health and less stigma.
If I can achieve that with this post, I’ll be happy and satified, and it won’t even bother me at all to be “exposed” regarding my bipolar, because honestly… why should I be ashamed? Like the trauma that was imposed onto me as a child, being bipolar is not my fault, it’s not something I can control (as far as having it), and it’ not something I should be ashamed of, in fact….
And this goes out to all those sufferers out there…
I should be proud.
Because I am still here. And unless you walked in my shoes… you have no idea how strong that made/makes me. 😉
Peace and love my friends.